


Christmas Time Is Here

by endemictoearth



Category: My Mad Fat Diary
Genre: Christmas, Christmas Fluff, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Makeup Sex, Smut, smut with substance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-06
Updated: 2013-12-06
Packaged: 2018-04-08 13:48:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,136
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4307436
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/endemictoearth/pseuds/endemictoearth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written post Series 1, pre Series 2. Rae and Finn have broken up, but the Christmas spirit might have other ideas.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Christmas Time Is Here

Rae gazed out of her window at the falling snow. There wasn’t much of it, and it wasn’t sticking, but the street lamps had come on, and she could see the flakes floating down in the wide beams of light. She sighed and picked up her mug to sip from her fourth cup of hot cocoa that day. They’d run out of milk after the third, but she compulsively made a fourth with water when her cup was empty. It was something to do, and she figured cocoa was better for her than whatever holiday treats her mum had stockpiled for the party that night.

She wouldn’t admit it to many people. but she actually loved the holidays. Yes, her birthday was only a couple of weeks before Christmas, and often got lost in the lead up to the holidays. But when she was little, she loved how the whole world decorated itself just before she celebrated her birthday. It felt like it was for her - the fairy lights in the windows and the wreaths on the doors. She even liked the stupid holiday music her mum played. Bing Crosby and Rosemary Clooney and of course Cliff Richard. (Well, maybe she didn’t love Cliff Richard.)

Sitting there, wearing three layers and wrapped up in a blanket, staring out at the snow, Rae was trying her best to recapture her good feelings about the holidays. Trying to separate the pain she felt from the excitement of celebrations and presents and pints of cider.

She and Finn had broken up.

* * *

They’d had a decent couple of months. Rae was shocked when Finn had embraced her outside the chippy the night of her mum’s reception, declaring himself in their secret mode of communication. She didn’t believe him at first, but he’d proven himself to be persistent. In fact, she thought maybe that’s why they broke up. Just when she felt maybe she’d let her guard down a little, he seemed to lose interest. The last couple of weeks, he didn’t call as often; he wouldn’t make plans, they’d just run into each other down the pub. And then, one evening while they were waiting for the rest of the gang to show up to the pub, Rae looked over at Finn and said, “I feel like you’re very far away. Are y’alright?”

When Finn just shrugged and said, “S’pose so,” Rae lost it. It was like they were back to square one. She jumped up from the table, and looked around for the exit, even though she knew exactly where it was. She caught a glimpse of Finn looking down into his beer, apparently embarrassed, before she rushed out into the cool air of the December night. Her face had been flushed and hot, but now she could feel herself getting calmer as she gulped cold breaths of air.

She walked back and leaned against the rough brick wall of the pub. After a few minutes, Finn came looking for her. He hadn’t rushed right after her, like he normally would. He wandered over and stood next to her, their shoulders touching, but didn’t hold her hand or put his arm around her. “Y’alright?” he asked, not looking at her.

Normally, Rae would have nodded and said, “Yeah, ‘course!” but this seemed bigger than your standard issue tiff. So, she blurted out the truth for once., “I don’t know, Finn. I don’t know if I’m alright, if WE’RE alright.” She turned to look at him, but he wouldn’t meet her eyes. “ARE we?”

He shrugged, but wouldn’t say anything. 

“Finn, I may be mental, but I’m not a mind reader. If you want me around, you have to give me a fuckin’ clue.” Finn scoffed slightly at this, and Rae continued. “Otherwise, well …”

“Otherwise, well, what?” Finn asked, mumbling into the collar of his jacket.

“ … I don’t know what we’re doing, is what!” Rae crossed her arms and huffed. She glanced over at Finn, and asked, “Should we—?” She trailed off, hoping Finn would know what she was about to suggest and protest.

“Should we … what?” he echoed again.

“Should we break up?” she whispered hoarsely. She couldn’t believe she’d said the words, but it seemed like that was all that was left, if they weren’t going to talk about why Finn was acting so weird. 

Finn jerked his head to look at her when she asked her question out loud, and she saw a flash something at the back of his brown eyes that Rae couldn’t name. He only looked at her for a couple of seconds before glancing back down at his boots. He just shrugged.

Rae let out a cross between a laugh and a sob, and pushed herself away from the wall. “I guess that’s my answer, then.” She looked over at Finn and felt like they should kiss, or shake hands, or something. A parting gesture. But then, she figured she’d still see him all the time, so maybe that would be a bad idea. A traitorous tear escaped her eye and slid down her cheek. She sniffed and wiped it away, as she looked up at the cloudy night sky. “Well, then. Goodbye, Finn.” Turning, she thought she heard him say, “No, don’t,” but he didn’t follow her to stop her, so she kept on walking, figuring it was just wishful thinking on her part.

* * *

It was five days later, and she hadn’t been to the pub. She hadn’t been anywhere, really. Skipped the last two days of school before the break, successfully faking symptoms of flu. Her face was hot from crying, anyway, so her mum thought she had a fever. Chloe and Izzy had both called to tell her they were so sorry and that Finn would come to his senses soon. Archie came round to check in on her, but she’d pretended to be asleep. No word or deed from Finn. 

She’d cried a lot, and contemplated the cupboard. Her hand had been on the doorknob several times, but she’d managed to keep it together and not stuff her face with crisps and biscuits. She was too depressed to eat. This was way worse than getting stood up by Archie, but she also avoided the too hot showers. She knew she should go and talk to Kester, but they had agreed at her last session (the day she and Finn had broken up, in fact) that she didn’t need any appointments until the New Year, and she didn’t want to bug Kester on his holidays. She’d taken the scrap of paper with his phone number out of her diary a couple of times, but hadn’t dialed. She’d thought a lot of bad thoughts over the past five days, but she hadn’t acted on any of them. It was almost like she figured Finn would find out somehow and feel terrible. And even though they weren’t together anymore, she didn’t want to make him feel awful. She knew what awful felt like, and didn’t wish it on anyone.

Now it was Christmas Eve and, for some reason, she was feeling a little better. Her mum and Karim were having some friends round and her being alone and sad upstairs, seemed a little more glamorous than the previous week of wallowing had been. She could pretend her cocoa was a cappuccino, and that the night sky she was staring at was somewhere else … Paris, or New York. She just had to keep looking up, and not let her gaze fall to Mrs. Dewhurst’s window. 

Maybe this was how she was supposed to feel, slightly sad all the time, but never as bad as she had been in March. This was everything evening itself out. She’d been really sad; she’d been pretty happy, sad again, and now she’d just … be. She finished her cocoa, and decided to go back to bed. She snuggled deep into the covers and plumped her pillow before settling down. 

She could hear the holiday music drifting up the stairs and under her door and smiled sadly as she closed her eyes to fall asleep. Just then, there was a knock at her door. She scrunched up her face in frustration and turned on her side to try and block out the noise. There was another knock, then another.

Finally, she sat straight up and shouted, “Go away, Mum! I’m tryna sleep!”

The door swung open and the figure silhouetted by the hall light didn’t look like her mum. She squinted, and then inhaled sharply. 

“Finn." 

He walked in without a word, and closed the door behind him. He sat down at the end of her bed and stared at his hands. The light was very dim, with only the strand of twinkling lights that outlined her window to see by, so she couldn’t read his expression.

Though she didn’t feel very merry, she didn’t know how to break the tension other than joking, “Well, come right on in, then!” Finn looked up at her sharply, but still didn’t say anything.

Silences are often described as palpable, so real you can practically touch the noiselessness. This moment was the most palpable silence Rae had ever experienced. She was being smothered by it. All she wanted to do was fill the air with words and sound, to cut the tension, keep the clawing quiet at bay, but nothing came to her. She pulled her blankets a little closer to her and sat up a bit, scooting back towards her headboard.

Finally, she said, “What are you doin’ here, anyway? I thought we broke up.”

Finn sighed, closing his eyes and flinching in slow motion, like her words had wounded him. 

At long last, he spoke. “Rae, I’m sorry I didn’t come sooner, but … I didn’t know what to say. I’m still not sure, to be honest.” He looked over at her, eyes pleading with her, but she didn’t know for what. She raised her eyebrows and shrugged, as if to say, “What do you want from me?”

Finn took another deep breath. “I know I’ve been off wi’ ya. I know it must’ve been confusin’. I was confused, too.” He stuffed his hands into his jacket pockets, and stood up to pace about a bit, planning his next sentence.

"Best way I can explain it is … when we got together, it was great at first. Bu’ pretty soon, you changed. It was like you were so afraid of sayin’ somethin’ wrong or disagreein’ with me, that you totally changed your personality. Bu’ I … I loved who you were before. Mouthy an’ funny an’ always bangin’ on about it. Nowadays, I can’t even get your opinion on whether you like brown sauce better than tomato on your chips. It’s like … you’re so afraid to lose me, you’re no’ actually with me.”

Tears sprang to Rae’s eyes. She wanted to disagree, to shout at him. She had the right; he’d split up with her. But she was realizing that if she’d shouted before, told him how she was feeling, even at the top of her lungs, he might not have.

Finn could see she wanted to speak. “Say somethin’, Rae. Please.” She shook her head, a tear slipping down her cheek. “Oh, god, I didn’t mean for you to cry.” He stepped forward and sat next to her on the bed, closer than before. He turned to face her, and she could have sworn he was going to hug her for a minute. “You know, we don’t hafta agree on everythin’. In fact, it’d be borin’ if we did. Jus’ ‘cause we’re debatin’ a point doesn’t mean we’re on the verge of breakin’ up. You stopped arguin’ wi’ me. I started to think you didn’t care  _what_  I said or did.”

“But, I jus’—I thought we were—”

“I know. You get worried. An’ I didn’t do this right. I tried to get you to come back after you stormed off, but you didn’t hear me, an’ then I thought, maybe we needed a few days. Bu’ I missed ya. I  _really_  missed ya. An’ I couldn’t stand the thought of not spendin’ Christmas wi’ ya.”

Finn put his hand in his jacket pocket and pulled out a small box. “I got you this. I bought it months ago, and almost gave it you for your birthday, bu’ wanted to keep it for Christmas.”

He handed her the box and when she didn’t take it, he placed it on the blanket next to her. He sat there, staring at her. She stared back for a minute, but eventually broke their gaze to look down at the box, clumsily wrapped in shiny blue paper, covered with far too much sellotape and a silver bow from one of those bags you get at the pound shop, with all different colors in. She smiled faintly and snuck her hand out from under the covers to pick it up. 

"If we’re not—” she started, but Finn cut her off and said, “We are. We are if you want to be.” He furrowed his brow and cleared his throat. “An’ even if you don’t, I still want you to have this. So, go on … open it.”

Her other hand emerged and she cupped the box in both for a moment before peeling off the bow, which had a loop of tape on the back of it. She wondered how many presents it had adorned. Carefully laying it aside, she ran her finger under the tape on the bottom of the box and unwrapped it. She glanced up at Finn, who was looking at the box expectantly, holding his breath to see what she thought. He really wanted her to like this, and what’s more, he truly cared how she felt. She’d forgotten that somewhere along the way. He was right. She’d gotten scared and wanted to stay safe. She felt that having him was better than not, so she’d just done whatever she imagined he wanted to do, keeping her head down, staying silent, nodding in agreement. She hadn’t noticed how frustrated he’d become until it was almost too late.

“What’re ya waitin’ for?” he asked, impatiently.

“Oh, sorry!” She lifted the lid from the little white box. There was a layer of cotton wool inside, which she pulled up to reveal a silver cylinder strung on a simple chain. 

“It’s … lovely. Thank you, Finn.” She started to put it over her head, but he said, “No, there’s … there’s more to it!” He reached over to take the cylinder between his fingers. “Can I?” he asked.

“Erm, sure,” Rae murmured. He reached his right arm over to her bedside lamp and switched it on. She blinked at the brightness for a moment. Finn then brought the cylinder up to her eye. “Look through there,” he said.

“Okay.” She closed her left eye and focused her right on the cylinder. There was something there, but it was blurry. “I can’t quite …” she brought her hand up to try and adjust it, and brushed Finn’s knuckles. They’d definitely had more intimate encounters, but it had been days since they’d seen each other, let alone touched. She blushed, but said, “Can I …?” He handed her the silver tube and she brought it to her eye, seeing the colored pattern much more clearly this time. “Is this a—?” She rotated the tube and the pattern changed. “It’s a kaleidoscope!” she exclaimed. She spun it a few more times and then looked up at Finn. “This is so cool!” She smiled and said, “Thank you.” She reached over and turned the light off; it was hurting her eyes.

Finn smiled back, rubbing the back of his neck. “I’m glad ya like it. You’ll think I’ve gone soft in the head, bu’ … I sort of thought it was like you.” His mouth quirked, like he wished he hadn’t said anything.

Rae’s brow crinkled with curiosity. “What d’ya mean?” 

“Well, like, it’s lovely on the outside, but when you look inside it’s …” He broke off and looked up at her for a split second, grabbed her hand, held it palm up, and traced A-M-A-Z-I-N-G.  When he finished the last letter, he squeezed the back of her hand and placed it on the bed between them. Then, he shook his head and said, “See? I’m a daft bu—” He didn’t get a chance to finish his self-deprecating remark, because Rae was kissing the breath out of him. It hadn’t been THAT long since they’d done this, and his muscle-memory kicked in, circling his arms around her and pulling her closer. They slid sideways together and ended up lying on Rae’s bed, still embracing each other. Rae pulled away first, like always, and looked down. “Thanks,” she said, in a small voice.

“You already thanked me for the present,” Finn laughed.

“No, this is just … thanks. Thanks for comin’ over. Thanks for comin’ back. I don’t think I could’ve come to you.” She leaned her head forward to kiss him again, and then hugged him closer, her head buried in the crook of his neck. 

“Hey, you’re alrigh’,” he said softly. He ran his hands up and down her back, giving her a reassuring squeeze. “I’m jus’ sorry we had to have our break. I’ve missed you. Did I tell you that? ‘Cause I really did." 

"Ya might’ve said somethin’ to that effect.” Rae raised her head to look Finn in the eye. “I missed you, too. An’ I’m sorry an’ all. For everythin’. For not bein’ myself. For makin’ you do everythin’. For … sort of . .. hidin’ in plain sight. I guess I jus’ thought if you ever really saw me, you’d run.”

Finn shook his head, his eyes growing a little brighter, reflecting the fairy lights in the window. “I don’t mind you keepin’ yourself a secret from knobheads at school, jus’ please don’t be afraid to let me see you. The good, the bad, the ugly …” She looked away at the word “ugly”, but he gently guided her to face him once again. “… the beautiful.” He had her face between his hands, so she couldn’t turn away, but her eyes darted to avoid his gaze. But, then, she took a deep breath and took a long look in his eyes. She didn’t know how he could do that, stare at her for so long without any sign of hesitation or doubt. 

She scoffed. “I thought ya weren’t good wi’ words. Coulda fooled me.”

He grinned. “I think you’ve made me better. Gotta keep up, haven’t I? That, an’ I’ve had five days to figure out what to say to ya.” 

“Fair enough,” Rae conceded, looking down and smiling shyly.

Finn turned over on his back and put his arm around Rae’s shoulders, keeping her close. “Y’knoooow,” he drawled. “I’ve never gotten back together wi’ someone before. Not that we were really broken up, bu’ you thought we were.”

“Oh, yeah?” Rae asked, staring warily at his profile, not sure where Finn was going with this.

“Well, it’s just … I’ve heard that make-up sex is amazin’, but I’ve never … y’know.” He raised his eyebrows cheekily and glanced over at her out of the corner of his eye. “And, well, we might never have another chance to find out.”

It took Rae’s brain a few seconds to process what he meant, but then she rolled over on top of him, propping herself up with her hands. “Well, then!” she said. The noise from the party downstairs emboldened her and she mounted a full scale snog attack, not that he was complaining. She paused, suddenly worried that she was overly jowly, leaning over him in the bed, and let her hair fall in her face. “I don’t know, actually. You are a pretty ornery bloke, Finn.” She playfully whipped her hair gently across his face. “It’s entirely possible that I’ll chuck you one day.”

Finn laughed between heavy breaths. “Didja say ‘ornery’ or ‘horny’? ‘Cause one of those is DEFINITELY true.” Rae was up on her knees, straining her thighs to stay well above Finn, afraid she might crush him. She started to swing her right leg up and over to lay next to Finn, when he placed his hands on her hips, guiding her down on top of him. She squirmed with a combination of uncertainty and excitement. 

She started to say, “Are ya sure?” but didn’t finish, as he he yanked the blanket off of her shoulders first, looking up at her curiously. “What ARE you wearin’, Rae? Everythin’ you own?” He grinned and started to tug off her top layer. The fabric of her sweater caught the fabric of her hoodie, which brought the t-shirt underneath along, and in a moment, she was in only her bra. She hugged her arms around her, as much to cover herself as from the chill in the air. The motion of pulling her clothes off had caused her hair to fill with static and a few pieces stood away from her face. Finn half sat up, pulling Rae the rest of the way to meet his mouth, and a small jolt passed between their lips. When they broke apart, he raised his eyebrows and said, “Shockin’!” before resuming their kissing. 

From her superior position, Rae could feel Finn was more than ready to continue proceedings, but they’d never done it with her on top. She tried again to dismount, but Finn shook his head and said, “I’d like to try it this way … if you don’t mind.” He flashed her one of his devastating grins and drew her to him. 

“I-I’m worried—” Rae started, but Finn cut her off. “I can guess what you’re worried abou’, and you shouldn’t be. You’re not goin’ to break me, Rae.” He cocked his head to catch her gaze, and stared into her eyes for a long moment. “You’re so worried, you haven’t even taken my shirt off yet.” He grinned again, and Rae laughed sheepishly through her nose. He lifted a corner of his shirt hem and raised an eyebrow. “Well, are you goin’ to help me wi’ this?” She nodded and shuffled back a fraction as Finn sat forward. She pulled his shirt off slowly, the edges of her palms grazing either side of his chest. He shivered as the top passed over his head, ruffling his hair. He kissed her again, hungrily, as soon as he could, and another small shock passed between them. They were locked in an embrace, Rae leaning her head forward to catch Finn’s lips, as he stretched his spine long to meet her mouth. 

After a moment, Rae leaned back. “Are you absolutely sure you’re fine? You’re not losin’ feelin’ in your extremities, are you?” She tried to laugh again, but Finn’s eyes were dark with lust. He didn’t say anything, but started to slowly unsnap the sides of the tracksuit pants she was wearing. She’d forgotten that’s what she had on, and wanted to die of embarrassment … except Finn was actually making this seem really sexy … except, she hadn’t shaved her legs …  _Oh, fuck,_  she thought,  _it’s too late to do anything about it now._  He tugged at the undone trackpants and they slid right out from under her. He then tossed them across the room and they landed on her zebra bean bag. 

Rae had a moment of clarity. Finn wasn’t turned off by her. He’d come back. He was running his hands gently over the scars on her legs, and looking into her eyes. He must—he must actually love her. She sat up a little straighter and reached down to run a finger inside the waistband of his jeans. He shuddered again, and caught her eye, his look seeming to say, “See? You did that to me.” She undid his button fly and shuffled back so he could take his jeans off, but he made sure she returned to the same position after he had. 

He grabbed her into an embrace and started to undo her bra. “Is this—is this okay?” he whispered into her ear, his hot breath in her ear sending shockwaves direct to Gushington City Center. She writhed slightly, but nodded, mumbling, “Mmm-hmmm!” so he wouldn’t stop. When he slipped the bra straps off of her arms, he flung her bra away before immediately cupping both breasts in his hands. In their current configuration, they were right at his eye level, and he drank in the sight of them, like a man who’d been a breast desert for the past five days. He leaned forward and buried his face in between them, sighing contentedly. It would have been funny, but Finn seemed so genuinely happy. After a long minute, he tipped his head back and said, “I’ve really missed you, Rae, bu’ I REALLY missed the girls.” She snorted and he giggled before running his hands over her nipples and up into the tangle of her hair, kissing her like his life depended on it. When they finally broke free to catch their breath, Finn slipped his hand inside Rae’s knickers, to see if she was ready. She more than was. He wriggled out of his boxers as Rae arched up to remove her pants. Finn knew exactly where to grab a condom from Rae’s bedside table and handed it to her to put on. 

Since they hadn’t tried this position before, it took an agonizing few seconds to find the right spot, but when they did, Rae sat up straight and tall and said, “Oooh!” Finn nodded wordlessly, biting his lip, and they moved slowly together, but it was a revelation, because Rae could shift herself into positions that felt more and more fantastic. And from the faces Finn was pulling, she could tell he thought so, too. When they found the best spot yet, Rae moved her hips slowly and lightly at first, a voice in the back of her head still worried she was hurting Finn. But then she picked up momentum and they moved together faster and more urgently, Finn bucking his hips up, going deeper and deeper, Rae gasping his name each time. 

It was familiar, their bodies moving as one, yet new and thrilling. And, for once, Rae wasn’t worried about putting Finn off her. She threw her head back and laughed as she started to come. She looked down to see Finn grinning up at her just before he tipped his own head back and moaned, low at first, then louder and higher. Rae was vaguely aware of the guttural sounds coming from her own throat, but could still hear the music of the party, so she didn’t panic that her mum would come barging in. And in the next moment, all words were crowded out of her head by the waves of sensation she felt all over her body. Her back arched and her toes flexed and curled against the duvet. Finn shuddered beneath her, gripping the sides of her thighs tightly. 

When he finally relaxed, he shifted inside Rae, which caused a sort of aftershock that made her shiver with pleasure. Finn noticed this and shifted again, and Rae let out a little yelp, which made her clamp her hand over her mouth. Then he made sure the condom was still in place and pulled out slowly, Rae vibrating the whole time. He drew her to his side and pulled the blanket she had been wrapped up in earlier over them, then wrapped her in his arms. Rae took her hand from her mouth and sighed happily. 

Finn shook his head and said, “Holy fuck, Rae. We’re goin’ to hafta break up once a week, if that’s what make up sex is like.” He took a deep breath and puffed up his cheeks as he let it out. “Bloody hell, that was fantastic.” He looked over at Rae for confirmation and she nodded vigorously. He kissed her once and then she burrowed her face into his shoulder blade. She twisted her head to look at Finn and whispered, “Maybe we don’t actually have to break up every week, but I’ll jus’, like, get on your wick and pick fights with you? Y’know, like I used to?” She winked and he laughed. “Sounds like a plan,” he chuckled. Then, after another deep breath, “I’ll tell you what, that was one hell of a Christmas present. Dunno how you’re gonna top it next year.”

Rae leaned back, surprised. “That wasn’t your present, ya twat!” 

“Oh no?” Finn asked, innocently.

“‘Course not!” she hissed as she sat up and gingerly leaned over him to get something out of her drawer. He leaned forward to kiss her side, starting just outside her armpit and continuing along towards her hip. She froze, trying to enjoy the sensation, but was painfully aware of how much extra stuff she had in that particular area, not to mention what she’d written in her diary about wanting to snog Finn’s armpits, which she’d never screwed up the courage to try.

When she settled herself back in her spot against the wall, head on Finn’s shoulder, he didn’t seem disgusted; in fact, he looked pretty blissed out. She mirrored his smile as she handed him the tiny gift bag with a Christmas tree on it.

“I got you somethin’ kinda like what you got me. Sort of. Oh, jus’ open it!" 

Finn grabbed the bag and rustled through the wadded up pieces of crinkly green tissue paper until he felt something. He pulled out a small plastic bag, which had a yellow translucent guitar pick threaded on a black leather cord. Finn smiled, “Hey, thanks, Rae! This is cool.” He started to put it on, when Rae said, “I had Mum drive me to Manchester to get it; the bloke I bought it from says it’s one of Noel’s. Flew off the stage at Knebworth, apparently. Not the night you were there with the lads, I don’t think, but … He was selling all sorts, goin’ to propose to his girlfriend Christmas, apparently, and needed cash for the ring. Cost me, well, never mind, bu’ it better be true, is all.”

Finn’s eyes widened. “Are you serious, Rae?” 

"That’s what the bloke said; I don’t have a certificate of authenticity, but … yeah." 

Finn went quiet for a bit, and then she heard him sniff. She bumped his shoulder with hers. “I didn’t mean fer ya to  _cry_ , you know.” Finn nodded, clearly moved by Rae’s gift. She put her arm around him and kissed the side of his forehead. “Merry Christmas, ya daft bugger.” Then she leaned away and asked, “D’ya want some cocoa? We haven’t got any milk.” Finn just nodded, all his words used up.


End file.
